Something I have been meaning to write for five years:
There is a fine line between taking advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person and rape. You would think it's clear cut, but when you're put in the situation and forced to live with it you want to rationalize what happened.
You were just talking at first, then holding hands, then laying together. How it escalated so quickly isn't really clear - did you say something to make it seem okay? Did your protestations go unheard? And each time you pull away, or say "Wait," before ultimately acquiescing - is that an act of betrayal on his part or implied consent on yours?
And what about when you finally say "No." And he pauses, for a moment.
Then "Stop." And he does, for a moment.
And when you repeat yourself again and again, and your voice falters, and he finally realizes you meant what you said. How do you go on, from that point.
You go over it in your head a thousand times. You enjoyed the company at first, so what happened was a natural conclusion. You think "maybe he didn't hear me, I didn't say it loud enough." You remember thinking he was fun, interesting, cute. So whatever changed in your mind wasn't important. You attempt to rationalize what happened - to interpose consent into a situation, because that meant you had control. You never allowed this repulsive thing to happen to you.
And your own conviction brings you to believe it. You actually start talking to him on the phone - and it actually comes as a relief. You two are almost a couple, so nothing was wrong with what happened the other night.
The next time he comes to visit, your realization that you were never okay with what happened comes to bear when he tries again. You are more forceful this time, with your protestations. You push him away, you say you can't do this.
He ... reacts poorly to this. You misled him, by talking to him as if you liked him. As if you wanted him. And then, you just let him walk out. You were so concerned about stirring up trouble for this kid that you don't tell anyone what happened. You were so exhausted, so broken after your last relationship - this simply unhinged that last bit of you holding on. The courage it would have taken to say something, to tell someone - it just wasn't there.
Looking at it now, you acted the coward and let him off the hook. He could have done this to someone else, and you let that happen. It's not forgivable even though he's settled down now, but it's been so long. Dragging old skeletons into the light could hurt so many people at this point, it just doesn't seem the right choice either.
As always, when it's after 2am you look to Xanga to clear your head. You write these thoughts down into an abyss where only a few of your friends can look at them. And you hope for anything but pity at this point - because that would be intolerable.
I was in DC this past weekend visiting Jenn - momo came down from Boston for a day too.I forget how much I miss them until I have to leave. The people in StL are amazing but I trust that if I actually needed them the 405 would be there for me.
Also planning on going to a frisbee tournament this coming weekend - Harvest (costumes/halloween party too). It's 6 hrs away and I'm dreading the drive, but the disc should be outstanding.
All I seem to think about right now is Niall. It's starting to feel like we're not actually dating. Medical school takes a lot of time - he just doesn't have any to give right now. It's a different relationship than I'm used to - he doesn't stay over when he needs to work the next day, I can't stay in Olin, so it's really variable how often I get to see him. I tend to pull away when it seems like an inequality exists... perceived or real. I can feel myself starting to do that now. Telling myself to just drop off the face of the earth, because it's easier than spending the 15 minutes we have feeling like I need to watch the clock so I don't overstay my welcome. It's so damn painful every time, but I don't know what I can feasibly change.
It's almost 2 am, nothing good can come of this tonight.
I haven't really spoken to lenny since the last time we had coffee. Polite chit-chat when we have to - and perhaps imagined distance that she brings between the two of us whenever we're forced into a situation together.
I miss my friend, but have earned this void of friendship. I have no right to push for more than civility, and I can't decide if telling her I miss her being part of my life would just be unkind. Or unfair. All I want is to not make things worse.